Bring Those Knees In, Boys!
Bring Those Knees In, Boys!
TRIGGER WARNING: This piece will devolve into (imaginary) violence and (imaginary) men will be the victims. Also, some strong language.
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A few times in the last few months, I’ve gone to the theatre and found I was seated next to a young man. How young, I’m not sure — maybe 20s or 30s? But every time, I find myself contending with their young man knees pressing into mine. It drives me absolutely bananas but I refuse to be knee pressed out of the space to which I am entitled. I’ve sometimes just stuck my coat over my knee and let the young buck press into that. I’ve tried to suddenly pull away. I’ve tried some quick shifting. Those boys don’t even seem to notice. The one next to me at Into the Woods was audibly crying during the Father/Son song “No More” but that didn’t stop him from manspreading into my space. “Hooray,” I thought, “This generation has learned how to cry and experience emotions!” but “Boo! They have actually gotten worse at manspreading than previous generations.”
The boy next to me at Tao of Glass seemed very comfortable with his knee in my space and got very animated about various pieces of music in the show. I could feel it in his knee! I mentioned this irritating situation to my partner at the intermission and he offered to switch seats with me so I took him up on that offer and, lo and behold, somehow Mr. My-Balls-Are-Too-Big-to-Be-Able-to-Keep-My-Knees-in-My-Own-Space could suddenly keep his knees in his own space. He didn’t stray even once. Funny that.
These young fellas very clearly know how to keep their knees in when they are next to other men but as soon as they are seated next to women — bloop! Knees are OUT! Still! In 2023!
I don’t remember this being a problem when I was a young woman. Either men of my generation were better at maintaining their own personal space or as a young woman, I was so used to pulling my knees together (like a lady!) that I didn’t notice. I honestly don’t know which of those it might be. My feeling then was if a man was pressing his knee into my knee, he was definitely flirting with me. Or a creep.
In my youth, I did an awful lot of giving way. I made space for young men everywhere I encountered them. I yielded to their presence. I did make myself small for them. At 49, I don’t do that anymore. I sometimes end up in games of Patriarchy Chicken because I just don’t automatically make way for men. (Thanks, Charlotte Riley, for the concept of Patriarchy Chicken!) I won’t yield on the street if I don’t want to and when I go to the theatre, I claim the space of my seat!
I was thinking about it the other day — especially about how Mr Knees (at the Glass show) refrained from doing what he’d done with his knees when he was next to a man. Why don’t men press each other’s knees like this?
I suspect it’s because they’re afraid of other men — either that they’ll be seen as gay or that there may be violence.
And something about that thought made me want to go back in time to that first act of the show with Mr Knees and it made me want to punch him in the dick. Just — reach over and — POW! It would not be easy to do practically but something about the fantasy of it really thrilled me. (When I really thought it through, logistically, I think an elbow to the dick would be more ergonomic and simple — but for elegance of phrase, let’s stick with a punch.) Then I thought about how many young men it would be very satisfying to punch in the dick and I thought if the risk of pressing your knee into a lady’s knee at the theatre was getting punched in the dick by ladies who’ve just had enough of this shit — I don’t know — maybe they wouldn’t feel so comfortable letting their knees roll out into women’s bodies. I got kind of fired up — imagining how great it would be to take all the years of smallifying myself and pulling my knees in to make space for men and just roll it all up in a nice first and punch the next guy who couldn’t keep his knees to himself. I started to feel myself to be quite dangerous and I started eyeing all the young men who might be good candidates. It was invigorating.
Now — to be clear, the odds of me actually punching anyone are very low. I’m conflict averse. I don’t like making a fuss and I’d be very unlikely to make a disturbance in a theatre. I would not want to disrupt a show. It’s hard enough putting on plays these days. That’s my sacred space! Also, I’m fully aware that you’re not supposed to go around punching men in the dick and that I’d be in big trouble if I did. I’m just saying — I would like for this to be a viable enough threat that young men at the theatre would think, “Oh gee, I don’t want to get punched in the dick. Maybe I ought to pull in my knees!” That’s all I’m asking for. I ‘d like to invoke a similar fear to whatever is driving them to not do this to other men. That’s all I need. Or, fellas, if you can bring those knees in some other way — that’s good too. All I want is some nice bodily autonomy everywhere I go. Can you help me with that?
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Originally published at http://artiststruggle.wordpress.com on May 13, 2023.
